Even more importantly – who �ɴDz�’t you choose to host Thanksgiving?

This is no small decision.

Maybe a central location is best? But since you all had to fly or drive to Seattle last year, it’s really your turn to sit pretty in your Manhattan apartment.

Your apartment has only two bedrooms though, and one’s your work from home office with just a pull-out couch. Your neighbors tactfully decline to host your brother from Michigan and his two sets of twins under 5, let alone the rest of your family. And hotel prices will be astronomical.

So your sister in Long Island offers to host instead. Still convenient by LIRR for you, and it’ll be easy to pick up family from JFK Airport.

But your sister – God bless her – can’t cook to save her life. She thinks she can, which only makes it worse. Her turkey’s always tasteless and dry. Even her sweet potatoes are dry – and how is that even possible? No one will agree to pretend to eat her Thanksgiving dinner ever again.

You consider the remaining candidates. Your brother’s in a starter house which is bursting at the seams already – and he hasn’t fixed the leaky roof yet. So that’s a no.

Your mom’s still in the family home in Holyoke, Massachusetts, even though it’s just her now. She’s just beginning to consider the senior community you toured with her. But for now, she’s got four bedrooms, a finished basement with an extra fridge, and a wrap-around porch where you all can sit out while the kids run around the lawn.

There’s lots to do for everyone in the area too. Theater, a great children’s museum, and some easy hiking… It was a great place to grow up, and you’re pretty sure you could all enjoy a weekend there again.

Your logistical analysis, however, is not complete. You finally persuaded your mom to hire great cleaning help last year, so she �ɴDz�’t have to get the house ready. But you can’t burden her to cook a holiday weekend’s meals for the whole family.

Whenever you suggest slowing down, though, your mom snaps “Stop treating me like a child!” And no one in this lifetime or the next will ever convince Mom to get takeout.

In contrast, most of the restaurants within a 20-block radius of your apartment know you by name. But when Dad passed, it really hit home that your time with his generation is limited and precious. And you have some use-it-or-lose-it vacation days left.

So you volunteer to come on Sunday to be Mom’s sous chef. You tell her you’ll cook some food with her that freezes well, ahead of the rest of the family’s arrival. You ��Dz�’t tell her you’ll also hide some takeout in the basement fridge.

But you’re not done yet. You also research the best restaurants within an hour radius (your specialty!), and share the menus with your siblings. Because of your sister’s recent promotion, you ask her to pick up the tab for everyone for a few meals. And you’re pleased to discover she’s actually really happy to find a way to contribute.

Labor Day has come and gone now (how did that happen?). But there’s still plenty of time for everyone to book plane tickets, arrange time off, and otherwise coordinate their return to your ancestral home.

You send up a silent prayer that your siblings will follow through promptly, so you can get back to your life – unlike last year…and the year before….Somehow, you always get stuck with the Thanksgiving logistics and inevitable trouble shooting.

By now, you’ve accepted your fate – but this year, someone better say they’re thankful to you!

Now, what can we learn from this story about designating an executor?

TOP 6 FACTORS FOR CHOOSING AN EXECUTOR:

1. The List Maker

• The same way you choose a Thanksgiving host who can cook, you choose an executor who is practical and organized. For example:
  • Who makes lists – and actually checks off items, and follows up when people ��Dz�’t call back?
  • Who can not only open a bank account, but also keep track of expenditures and reimbursements?

2. Location Matters

• Every state has different rules about who can serve as executor. One common criterion is location. Keep in mind that even if your state allows an out of state or international executor, it may not be ideal because:
  • A court interview may be required.
  • Attendance at a closing may be required.
  • Financial institutions may require documents to be notarized in the U.S.

3. Who Gets Along?

• Siblings who rarely speak may have seen each other for the first time in years at a parent’s funeral. And money can bring out the worst in people.
• Ask yourself who is most likely to get along with everyone else, and keep the peace.
• Consider a neutral executor, like an attorney or accountant, if family dynamics are very contentious.

4. Technological Proficiency

• Your lawyer and their staff will likely have a great deal of back and forth with your executor before the job is done, and email is usually the most efficient means of communications. Important documents may need to be scanned.
• No need for a Steve Jobs – but choose someone who will check their email frequently and is computer proficient.

5. Who’s Got the Time?

• Maybe you’re thinking, “Great, I’ll name my daughter. She’s a lawyer, that’ll help.” But if your daughter’s already working 60 hours/week, maybe she can’t quickly review documents, call banks, and respond to the estate attorney and accountant.
• Estate administration is usually a marathon, not a sprint.
• And being an executor is a part time job. Ask yourself – who has time for it?

6. Your Mission – If You Choose to Accept It

• Finally, you ��Dz�’t just show up on the doorstep for Thanksgiving and yell, “Surprise!”
• Remember to ask your candidates for executor – and all other personal representatives in your estate plan – if they’re willing to take on the job.

Beyond wishing you good luck, I hope you’ll put yourself in good hands. A careful estate planning attorney should work with you to help you think through these factors to choose the best executor for your and your family’s needs.

The post How To Choose Your Thanksgiving Host – and Executor appeared first on Law & Mediation Office of Bracha Etengoff.

Cocktail napkins, scraps of paper, and yellow legal pads – that’s how Executorium began.

But the first spark was lit when estate executor George Compton searched for resources to understand the job – and found nothing. Meanwhile, those scraps of paper and “e-mails to self” accumulated.

“An executor ought to know…Wish I’d known that…Where was this when I was executor?”

Communicating, educating, and disseminating information were already my professional skills, since I was then the Executive Director of an association of construction professionals. My personal experience as an executor and professional background converged, and Executorium began to take form.

I knew it had to be executor-facing, and it had to be simple. Most of all, it had to provide a view of the landscape, so executors could get their heads around the job at hand.

“I felt like the new guy.�� It was a lot of responsibility. Lots of unfamiliar, disparate tasks in a new environment. It was an emotional time, and it can take hundreds of hours.”

“Executors walk away from the graveside with a briefcase and a life to unravel. Poof! You’re the executor. Good luck!”

Hence, Executorium.com!

Executorium’s Mission

The mission of Executorium is to be a Resource for Executors and Estates. How?

• Stand in an executor’s shoes
• Assume no prior estate knowledge
• Provide visibility of resources: local, state, and national – both private and government
• Flatten the learning curve
• Provide context and experience.

seeks to clarify many of the real-time experiences an executor may face. It shines a light on the work within an estate, the responsibilities of an executor, and the challenges of estate administration and settlement.

An Open Resource for Executors and Estates

We’re a resource for Executors and Administrators, as well as “Personal Representatives.”

Executorium.com is open access.�� No login, no paywall, no registration!

Our website includes:

• Articles addressing common estate issues and learning opportunities.
• References to vital estate information.
• Directories of local estate service providers and government pages (federal, state, and county), laying out essential government probate and estate resources.

We strive to make the executor’s duties more familiar, because awareness and information visibility is key to a successful estate administration.

Poof! You’re an Executor…

Now what?�� Well, every estate is different. ��Every family is different.�� And every state is different.

“Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.”

• Abraham Lincoln

But we know executors are busy enough jumping from task to task to spend much time learning the job.��So, we relay fundamentals, practical information, and context quickly and efficiently.�� It is designed so a browse through the site provides exposure to estate administration’s many new experiences.

Executorium.com is organized into four sections:

• – Articles across the scope of estate administration, from guest authors and the publishers of Executorium.
• – Resources and references across the estate administration environment.
• – Professionals that service the needs of executors and estates, organized by profession, state, and county.
• – Selected federal, state, and local resources to guide and assist executors.

Executorium even features advertisers with purpose: those whose products and services attend to the needs of an estate. Our ads put resources on executors’ radars – and pay the bills.��Two birds; one stone!

Finally, our social media channels curate and share executor-facing content.

Facebook:

LinkedIn:

YouTube:

Instagram:

X:

Provide a View of the Landscape

One of my hardest executor’s lessons was that after it was over, I realized, “Huh. If I ever had to do that again, I’d be a lot better at it.” I had made mistakes. I had missed stuff. Now I had all this experience, but that was it – never again. But I wasn’t the new guy anymore.

Because of this realization, we endeavor to help executors see what’s out there. It does not matter if it’s on Executorium or elsewhere – as long as the executor has it on their radar.

For example, there are some very good ‘Guidelines for Executors’ out there. Don’t miss them.

Read them. Sharpen that axe!

• ���dz�’s
• The American Bar Association –��
• EstateExec:

These guides are symbolic of Executorium’s mission: showing executors where the help is – wherever it is, on-site or off – and sharing it openly to help estates move forward!

Executors Execute

An executor’s tasks involve the estate, probate, family, and legacy. Executorium endeavors to educate across many estate-related topics, and offer routes to solutions.��We’re especially focused on shining light on those resources which may be unknown to executors, and which solve practical estate challenges or make the job easier. Some examples are:

• “What do I do with all these photos?”

: The Photo Managers

• “We have a lot of used medical equipment.�� Can I donate?”

• “My dad owned many guns. I ��Dz�’t know a thing about guns.”

• “The thought of cleaning out everything is blowing my mind!”

• “What should I do with all the old books?”

• “I’m struggling with my grief.�� This is harder than I thought.”

Please note the Learning Section, Articles, and Directories are constantly updated and revised. New content is added frequently.�� Executorium is a constantly growing resource.

Conclusion

Executor of the Estate, Administrator, Personal Representative…while these terms sound fancy, they usually mean an individual that just lost a parent or other loved one – and the one who will clean out their dresser. They’ll spend hours and hours going through drawers, boxes, and memories. They’ll be working through paperwork, forms and records. And that’s just some parts of the job. There’s nothing fancy about estate administration and probate!

Executorium.com is a hub. At its center is the executor, endeavoring to navigate estate administration and probate. We just figured that job does not need to be harder – it needs to be easier. If Executorium can arrange resources and information around the hub that helps the executor move the estate forward, with less pain and frustration – we have accomplished our mission.

George Compton is the Publisher of Executorium.com.�� He is on a mission to improve communication and visibility in the estate administration environment for executors and personal representatives.

The post It Took an Executor to Build Executorium.com appeared first on Law & Mediation Office of Bracha Etengoff.

Sometimes when people are in the early stages of cognitive decline, no one realizes the impact it’s having —except scammers. Seniors who are already confused about financial matters are prime targets for fraudulent investment schemes. By the time they or their family realize what is happening, it’s often too late. People can lose most of their retirement funds and their financial security can be destroyed – along with their dreams of using their savings to make life easier for their children and grandchildren.

Financial exploitation often also occurs when a senior owns a two or three family house, lives in one apartment, and rents out the other(s). Tenants sometimes take advantage of a landlord’s dementia or hospital admission to stop paying rent. The landlord may not realize it, or even if s/he does, hiring a lawyer to bring an eviction proceeding may be overwhelming. On the other hand, people with dementia may not be able to fulfill their duties as landlords either. They’re likely to have trouble keeping up with the necessary home repairs, and paying the utilities and property taxes.

This illustrates another common problem: asset management. A multi-family home in New York is often a senior’s most valuable asset, but it requires maintenance. It should also be a major source of income. Certainly, if tenants stop paying rent, the home is no longer a source of income. But even if the tenants are paying, the rent may be stuck at the going rate a decade ago. A landlord with diminished financial capacity may not remember to renew the lease or raise the rent.

The other side of this coin is debt. Bills often pile up, followed by collection notices. Even if people have the assets and income to pay their bills, it doesn’t help if they no longer have the capacity to reliably do so and no one else is authorized to pay them instead.

The legal system may intervene through the appointment of a “guardian of the property” when people lose financial capacity and haven’t prepared adequately. A guardian of the property assumes the responsibility of managing the incapacitated person’s financial and legal affairs, making these decisions on their behalf. But guardianship proceedings are usually time-consuming and costly, and the person appointed may not align with the individual’s preferences.

Fortunately, we can maintain more control over our financial destinies even during times of diminished capacity through advance planning. Consider which of these proactive steps are right for you:

1. Add a Trusted Contact Person to Brokerage Accounts: If your broker suspects you’re being scammed or can’t reach you, they can contact this person.
2. Organize & Store Financial Documents Securely & Accessibly: Inform trusted loved ones of the location and/or provide them with copies.
3. Share Your Financial & Legal Professionals’ Contact Information: Include your financial adviser, estate planning attorney, and accountant.
4. Update Financial Account Information Regularly: Include new accounts and changes in trusted contacts.
5. Ask your Lawyer about a Durable Power of Attorney: Enable someone you trust to make financial and legal decisions if you cannot.
6. Utilize the Social Security Advance Designation: Name someone you trust to manage your benefits if you become unable to do so.
7. Review your Investment Portfolio: Ensure the risk level and allocations align with your age, financial and medical status, and potential increases in healthcare costs.

Keep in mind two caveats:

• You must have the necessary mental capacity for these steps.
• You should not be unduly influenced to take any of these steps. For example, sometimes unscrupulous people pressure relatives to sign powers of attorney.

For these reasons, if you reach out to a responsible estate planning lawyer on behalf of a family member, we’ll will want to speak with your relative alone. We do that to protect the privileged nature of attorney-client communications, but also to ensure the person really wants to do the planning. Similarly, even if your family has already discussed who should be the agent under power of attorney together, we will discuss this again confidentially with your relative.

To sum up, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to face the elephant in the family room. Prepare for diminished financial capacity now – and protect yourself later.

The steps to plan for diminished financial capacity are based on recommendations from . For information on types of scams and elder abuse, see .

To report suspected scams and elder abuse in New York to the State Attorney General, call 1-800-771-7755 or file a report at . In emergencies, always call 911.

The post The Elephant in the Family Room: Diminished Financial Capacity appeared first on Law & Mediation Office of Bracha Etengoff.

Doing what? Well, first you should know Mollie was right. Estate representative appointments and estate administration often take years in New York. Many of the downstate which handle this are still moving a lot slower than before COVID19. And even if the heirs are in agreement on the distribution of belongings – i.e., “tangible personal property” – probate laws restrict when they can be distributed or discarded. And appraisers, estate sale organizers, and clean out services may be needed.

I’ve heard of someone still renting a storage unit 8 years after his parent’s passing. And someone who paid high maintenance for over a decade on an unoccupied but still-furnished Manhattan apartment. Because it’s emotional and time consuming, some people put this task off for years.

So I often advise clients to sort through their belongings during their lifetimes. But the method of dostadning (Swedish for death cleaning) was new to me. I asked Mollie if I could interview her, and she generously agreed.

Bracha: What prompted you to start the dostadning process?

Mollie: One morning, I couldn’t find something in my clothes closet. It dawned on me that I hadn’t worn some of the clothes hanging there for many years. It actually took me back twenty years to when I cleared out my parents’ home. All I wanted was time to grieve – but there I was, going through piles of possessions for weeks on end. As soon as those memories hit, I told myself, “Mollie, you are not going to do that to your children!”

Bracha: So, it started with a closet?

Mollie: Yep, I went after those clothes with a vengeance. If I hadn’t worn a piece in five years, into the box it went. If I knew something wouldn’t ever fit me again, out it came. And when everything was packed up for donation, I swear I felt lighter! Plus, knowing those clothes would be worn by people who really needed them made me happy. I was so thrilled, I headed to my storage area, but right away, I knew I needed help. I was in way over my head!

Bracha: Where did you go for help?

Mollie: I went straight to the computer to look up decluttering. After a lot of false leads, I came across a book by Margareta Magnusson that people were raving about. I have to admit, the title put me off at first. I’d just turned 70, and I was having a hard time confronting my mortality, so a book called wasn’t that appealing. But people seemed to really like it, so I took a deep breath and ordered it.

Bracha: Did you find it helpful?

Mollie: Absolutely! I found out that “stadning” in Swedish means cleaning, and “do” means death, and decided I’d just concentrate on the stadning part of the word. But the truth is, I started to feel better about my mortality, too, because I knew what I was doing would help my children.

Removing unnecessary things from my home wouldn’t just save them time when I passed- it would spare them emotional pain too. For me, dostadning was about continuing to help my children, even after I’m no longer here.

Bracha: I imagine some people could find what you did difficult.

Mollie: Well, going through possessions you’ve accumulated over decades can be daunting, but I took it step by step. Setting small goals helped. And once I started it became easier to continue, because it was actually a positive experience.

Bracha: What made it a positive experience?

Mollie: Suddenly, there was space all around me – and I knew where things were for a change! Plus, some things required a lot of maintenance, so letting go of some of those created more time in my life. And my “background” stress level really dropped.

But it wasn’t all about getting rid of the clutter. When I came across something that meant a lot to me, I knew I wanted to share it with my kids. So dostadning also gave me the opportunity to cherish my memories.

Bracha: Do you have any advice for people considering this method?

Mollie: First, I’d say to take it slow. Pace yourself. And ��Dz�’t start with emotionally difficult things, like photographs, which can be hard to go through. Definitely leave the sentimental stuff for later, once you’re in the groove.

And you will get into the groove! The process is very self-reinforcing. Once I started separating what really mattered to me from what was just taking up space, I naturally wanted to continue. And knowing that what you’re doing is a gift to your heirs is very empowering.

Bracha: Thank you for sharing your experience, Mollie. Despite the off-putting name, this process seems really life affirming. Now, my own overstuffed closet awaits!

*For more tips on the dostadning process, see .

*Some facts have been altered to protect the client’s privacy.

The post How to Declutter In the Present, As a Present appeared first on Law & Mediation Office of Bracha Etengoff.

“Did she sign a health care proxy?”, the doctors ask.

A health care agent could work with Sarah’s medical team to develop a safe discharge plan, and take responsibility for her transition. Aides could be hired again, a ramp and bathroom bars installed, a hospital bed purchased.

Except there are other problems at home, too. Sarah owns a three-family house, and she’s proud of paying off the mortgage. But one apartment’s been vacant for years, the sole tenant stopped paying, and the property taxes are overdue. Collection notices are scattered around the home, along with credit cards Sarah didn’t remember opening. She probably has a pension, social security, and bank accounts, but no one in the family knows for sure. Mark decides to hire a lawyer.

“Did she sign a power of attorney?”, the lawyer asks.

The agent under power of attorney could search for her assets. Find out where her retirement payments are deposited, and use them to pay delinquent bills and the expenses of returning home. This kind of agent could even hire a lawyer to evict the tenant.

But there’s no health care proxy or power of attorney. The lawyer explains that it’s too late for Sarah to sign these documents now, since she lacks the mental capacity required. Instead, a guardianship proceeding may be needed. However, a guardian is not automatically appointed because someone has dementia, or refuses to take their medication, or buys things they can’t afford.

Instead, the standard for appointing a guardian is two part: 1. The person is unable to provide for personal needs and/or property management, and 2. The person cannot adequately understand and appreciate the nature and consequences of such inability. See .

Mark decides to file a petition for guardianship of Sarah, aka the allegedly incapacitated person (AIP). He and his lawyer work for many hours to explain to the court:

• WHO the AIP is: birthplace, age, residence, profession, family members
• WHY she needs a guardian: personal care and property management limitations
• WHAT her financial position is: assets and debts
• HOW the Petitioner is suitable for the position: relationship to AIP, age, residence, profession, no bankruptcy filings or felony convictions

Next, the court issues an order. It sets a hearing date and appoints a lawyer to represent Sarah. The order also names a court evaluator, who interviews all the family members and issues a report. He recommends that a “guardian of the person” be appointed for Sarah’s personal needs, and a “guardian of the property” be appointed for her financial and legal matters. Because Mark lives far away, he recommends the court appoint a local professional guardian instead.

The hearing date arrives. Mark has to fly in and also arrange an ambulette to bring Sarah to court. Despite everyone’s best efforts to respect her dignity, Sarah is understandably upset by people describing her difficulties. Mark is subjected to cross examination. The court evaluator and other family members testify too.

The hearing lasts all day.

It ends with the judge reading her ruling, appointing a professional guardian and Mark as co-guardian. The system worked, but it was an emotional and exhausting ordeal. And the professional guardian, Sarah’s lawyer, Mark’s lawyer, the court evaluator, and the ambulette company all must be paid – out of Sarah’s funds.

Unfortunately, some version of this story plays out daily, in courts across the state. If we’re incapacitated but haven’t given anyone the legal authority to assist us, the court may choose for us. Sometimes the guardian is a family member – but not the one you’d have chosen. Other times it’s a professional who accepts court appointments: competent and compassionate if you’re lucky, but still a stranger. Best case scenario, the guardian is a responsible person you would’ve named as agent if you’d done that healthcare proxy and power of attorney. But their appointment as guardian is a far more expensive, lengthy, and intrusive process.

It’s frightening to think about becoming dependent. But taking control over what happens if we become dependent is integral to the independence we so cherish.

For information on support and resources for guardians and caregivers, see�������Ի���

The post What Happens if I Don’t Have a Health Care Proxy and Power of Attorney? appeared first on Law & Mediation Office of Bracha Etengoff.

When I saw my doctor for a recent routine physical and she asked if I had a Healthcare Proxy, boy, was that ever a wake-up call! I consider myself a “young 70,” and have been fortunate to be in good health, so I hadn’t given much thought to planning for a time when that might not be the case. My doctor’s question reminded me that I needed to face facts, do the responsible thing, and contact a lawyer.

I wasn’t looking forward to discussing a time when I could be too ill to speak up for myself, but once Bracha explained how we would work together, I felt more at ease. She helped me understand what a Healthcare Proxy is all about, and how I can make sure my wishes about medical treatment will be respected. I understood the need to set up guidelines before a medical crisis happens, but the whole thing was new to me, and I had a lot of questions. Bracha answered them all, and I felt confident setting up a Healthcare Proxy that would work for me.

We also talked about my will. I’d set it up years before when my children were young and needed a guardian. But since then, my assets had grown, and my children had become adults. I knew I needed to update my will. But we also had to review my other assets with beneficiary designations which would pass outside the will. And for my assets to really be distributed as I want them to, I may have to update the designations too.

Bracha also explained how a Power of Attorney (POA) appoints an agent to make legal and financial decisions, and how it can avoid the need to go to court to have a guardian appointed if a person becomes incapacitated. But I wasn’t ready to set up a POA, and wanted to give it more thought. We discussed the rule of thumb that it’s best to review an estate plan at least every 5 years, and I can revisit whether to have a POA at that time if I haven’t decided before.

I learned that an estate plan is more than a will. My Healthcare Proxy, beneficiary designations, and a future POA are all part of my estate plan – and they all have to work together.

When it came to choosing who would carry out my wishes in the future, I didn’t want to burden any one child with all the responsibilities. When Bracha explained what the Executor of my will would do, I quickly realized that my son, who’s an accountant and used to managing financial details, would be the best person to handle the job. And since my daughter’s comfortable in medical settings and lives close enough to be able to get to the hospital quickly, it made sense to make her my Healthcare Proxy.

I was comfortable with my decisions, but I worried about discussing them with my children. What should I say? How would they react? Bracha understood my concerns. She gave me some very useful ideas for speaking with them, as well as materials from to help guide the discussions.

I’ve always tried to be a responsible parent. Completing my estate plan has been a way of continuing to do just that. If my children know my wishes for medical treatment, it can save them a lot of heartache in the future. And if my will is as inclusive and clear as it needs to be, it can save them money, time, and stress down the line. So I know that the day I receive my documents, a weight will be lifted from my shoulders.

*Some facts have been altered to protect the client’s privacy.

The post Help! My Doctor Asked if I Have a Healthcare Proxy appeared first on Law & Mediation Office of Bracha Etengoff.

Families encounter many professionals after a loved one’s passing. Religious leaders, funeral home directors, and probate lawyers often form a new cast of characters, while the familiar medical team steps back.

Who can help you find this new team of professionals and coordinate with them?

What if you want help that complements these professionals? For example:

• Discussing nontraditional alternatives to burial
• Designing a legacy project that reflects your loved one’s values
• Closing social media accounts
• Preparing a home for sale
• Obtaining death certificates or insurance proceeds

An End of Life Doula (aka Death Doula) can support you in these tasks – and many more.

End of life doulas may be employed by healthcare facilities or retained privately.

To learn more, I interviewed an end of life doula who completed her training through and holds a proficiency badge from the

_____________________________________________________

Bracha: What is an End of Life Doula?

Marni: Just as a birth doula helps usher in life and educates parents to be, an end of life doula supports people at the other end. End of life doulas are non-medical professionals who help you navigate death, dying, grief and loss. We can assist with the emotional, spiritual, practical, and logistical components.

Bracha: Why did you become an end of life doula?

Marni: My family went through a series of health situations that brought death close. I was unprepared, and I realized how lonely it felt to be handling logistics and making decisions quickly in real time.

When dealing with logistics, you can’t be fully present with the dying or sick, or fully experience your feelings. Alternatively, when you’re fully present or in deep grief, focusing on logistics is difficult. I wanted to provide the support I wish I’d had for myself, for both sides of this experience.

Bracha: Why do people hire end of life doulas?

Marni: Common reasons include:

1. Creating legacy projects with elders to capture histories and life lessons.
2. Assisting with memorial planning or running errands for the family.
3. Facilitating pre-planning, like advance healthcare directives and end of life wishes.
4. Educating the public around death, dying and grief – and how to be a good listener.
5. Supporting people emotionally at the end of life by sitting vigil, creating warm and loving spaces for the dying, and helping people grapple with fears.

Bracha: Can you give us examples of legacy projects?

Marni: We create heirloom quilts from fabrics important to each person. My sister Willa Blank (an incredible quilter) designs them.

I also created a living legacy project with my 100 year old grandmother recently. I interviewed her for over a month by audio to capture her stories, family history, and life lessons. I learned things I’d never known, and I appreciated her and what she’s overcome in a new way. And future generations can learn about her life in her own voice.

Bracha: Do you ever work with families during times of illness?

Marni: Yes. Families often seek out someone who isn’t afraid to talk about what death will look like, and who will help them feel prepared for the logistics around illness and death.

It’s never easy when a family has been given devastating news. My goal is to be a comfort and resource to ease the experience, even if just by a little.

Bracha: How about people who do not anticipate encountering illness or mortality issues soon?

Marni: Absolutely. Many of my clients are mid 30’s-mid 50’s. Many life events happen during this period which trigger encountering one’s own mortality, such as:

1. Having a baby
2. Moving to a new state
3. Getting married or divorced
4. Receiving a health diagnosis
5. Acquiring more assets
6. Preparing initial Estate Planning Documents
7. Joining the Sandwich Generation (caregivers of both children and parents)

I also provide these clients with support around their elders’ aging, like ensuring parents have appropriate estate planning documents, organizing/downsizing homes, and insurance or caregiving.

Bracha: What guidance can you offer people engaged in estate planning, and their future estate representatives?

Marni: I’d advise estate planning clients to consider how they want to be remembered, and discuss it with their loved ones. Legacy work can encompass more than financial and tangible assets.

If you’re asked to serve as an executor, you can suggest that the person also:

• Write legacy letters
• Share recipes
• Create autobiographical audio or video recordings

Bracha: You offer end of life and legacy planning services, education around death/dying/grief, complimentary consults, and virtual and in-person (NYC/Brooklyn) sessions.

Is there a reliable roster of end of life doulas too?

Marni: Yes, both Going with Grace and NEDA maintain directories on their websites.

Bracha: Which other supports for the bereaved are available?

Marni: I recommend as a stress reliever and sleep aid, Anderson Cooper’s podcast , any book by , or trying a or event for grievers.

Listening to other people on their grief journeys and recognizing the commonalities in the human experience helps too. Grief is love. Many communities have in-person bereavement support groups. Virtual groups further enable people to find one tailored to their type of loss.

Bracha: Thank you, Marni. Your guidance will help me better support my clients.

Marni: You’re so welcome! Grief and loss are such a huge part of our lives, but speaking about them often feels taboo. What we ��Dz�’t understand can cause fear. I hope that by bringing this topic out of the shadows, our culture will embrace a healthier perspective.

Marni Blank, Esq., is an end of life doula, trained mediator, and a female founded small business owner. She offers holistic end-of-life planning and legacy services. To learn more, visit or schedule a free consultation .

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“I inherited my childhood home.”

There’s a whirlwind of intense, complex emotions within those five words.

For some people, their childhood home evokes mostly happy memories, but now also grief and loss. For others, those earlier happy memories are eclipsed by later images of illness. And for people who had complicated or difficult relationships with their parents, a childhood home may be the last place they’d ever want to return.

These emotions can affect the choice of whether to live in an inherited home, or sell or lease it instead. There are many other factors to consider too, and often living in an inherited home is not even a viable option. Adult children and their families may be happily established across the country, or the house may be ancient and in disrepair, or the sibling interested in the house may not be able to afford the mortgage required to buy the other(s) out.

But let’s assume living in the childhood home is a viable option. What changes should people consider making so the home serves their needs? How do you make room for new memories? In other words, how can you ensure a childhood home grows up?

To answer this question, I spoke with someone whose viewpoint is sometimes overlooked in the world of inheritance professionals. Interior designer , of InsideWright LLC, has helped clients put their personal stamp on inherited homes, and also completely redesigned her own inherited apartment.

Bracha: Would you share your personal story with us?

Tobi: Sure. My parents moved us from Ohio to New York in 1978. Back then, there was no such thing as renovating apartments for new tenants. Our “new” home was really depressing: horizontal blinds falling off the windows, bare bulbs in ceiling sockets, and a tattered linoleum kitchen floor. It was so different from our home in Ohio that we actually cried on first sight.

But my dad was an artist and over time, he made the apartment beautiful – always in his own unique way. For example, he painted the whole apartment in a rainbow of gray when color was all the rage.

Skipping to 2006, my father had passed and my mother was ready to retire and move. So in my mid to late thirties, I lived with my mom for two years in order to legally have the lease transferred to me. Living with your parents is not always an easy road at that age, but for Manhattan apartments, sacrifices must be made!

My mother had added color to the walls over the years, but eventually I repainted everything, mostly following feng shui recommendations. I also built custom DIY furniture to fit my rooms. And after missing my ex’s back yard, my living room became one – complete with faux grass!

Bracha: Wow, what an amazing transformation into a home that perfectly fits you. But I imagine some people would find that difficult.

Tobi: Yes, I have a neighbor whose son died young, and she left his room intact for many years.

Bracha: I understand that – moving his belongings is a physical expression of letting go. This reminds of a friend who is dating a widower still living in his marital home. She wanted to respect his memories of his wife, but also her own needs. So my friend told him that once he was ready to move his wife’s belongings out of the nightstand, she would begin staying over. And that’s exactly what they did.

What other challenges can inherited homes pose, in your experience?

Tobi: Inherited homes may have a foundation of stagnancy. For example, I did a styling consultation for a young couple in Manhattan. The wife shared that the apartment was the husband’s childhood home, and despite being a really successful lawyer, living there and raising his kids there actually left him feeling a lack of accomplishment.

To break free of that stagnancy, some people completely replace the furniture. I did a space planning consultation for someone with gorgeous mid-century furniture (which is back in vogue). It was in excellent condition, but it held too many memories of her childhood. I advised her to reach out to a neighborhood antiques dealer.

Bracha: How do you navigate working with clients who lost someone you also knew?

Tobi: I make sure we pause and acknowledge the person’s absence first when we meet. This happened recently with a neighbor whose husband had died. When I arrived, she was ready to launch into the changes she was planning. I acknowledged his absence first though, and we talked about his final days and how she’s been coping. Then we got into the design.

He was a photographer and they’d had a really wonderful relationship. She wanted to memorialize him by keeping his photos on the walls, but also make the apartment more her own.

Bracha: That sounds like a balance to aspire to. Thank you, Tobi – your guidance will help me better support my clients.

Tobi: You’re very welcome.

Please note that while an estate is undergoing probate, there are restrictions on disposing of or distributing property. Consult a qualified New York probate attorney for guidance.

The post Should I Live in the House I Inherited? appeared first on Law & Mediation Office of Bracha Etengoff.

You may think – an inheritance, of course. But what kind of inheritance?

Sure, money’s welcome. But a lifetime’s belongings in an overflowing garage? Not so much.

Yet often, relatives who planned the funeral face another herculean task afterward: sorting through jumbled piles of belongings.

Furniture, old papers, boxes of photos, 100 piece china sets, you name it – the next generation is often dragged unwillingly into a scavenger hunt. Some items may be useful to them. Others may hold sentimental value. But many items are just trash. And if no one sorted through a grandparent’s belongings before storing them earlier? Now there are two generations of stuff in the garage!

Often, one relative is more attached to the belongings than others, or multiple relatives want the same item. Both of these situations can cause conflict, and even litigation.

That’s why some say the greatest gift older people can leave their family is preventing this debacle – by sorting through their own belongings.

Sort and Organize Your Belongings

Ideally, you sort your own belongings in three steps:

1. Dispose of or donate what you ��Dz�’t need
2. Create an inventory or list of items you kept (with notes like location)
3. Share the inventory with your family

Also consider obtaining appraisals of any high value items for the inventory, such as original artwork and expensive jewelry.

For old photos, note down names and approximate dates on the backs and/or digitize them. You can then organize them chronologically and/or by maternal vs. paternal side, or even create digital albums. Tell family members their location, and consider uploading them to secure online storage and giving family members access.

Call in The Pros

Maybe you’re thinking – great idea, but I have no time to sift through dusty Polaroids! Or maybe the thought of even entering the garage fills you with dread. If it’s financially feasible, consider calling in the pros, such as photo and professional organizers.

Photo Organizers

Photo organizer Philip Griffith, co-owner of PSG Photo Solutions, is passionate about their mission. They help families turn a jumble of photos which the next generation doesn’t want into a curated photo estate that tells the family stories of lessons learned and values passed down – in a way that everyone can easily view and access.

In one case, they set up a secure family photo website after scanning the client’s heritage photos. The client could then privately share them and collaborate on family history.

Professional Organizers

A good professional organizer creates order out of chaos. They can sort, discard, and donate belongings; divide, pack, and ship them; select and coordinate vendors (brokers, movers, storage facilities, appraisers/auctioneers); categorize financial and personal documents; and prepare for open houses. In addition, some companies like Seriatim, Inc. will prepare household inventories assigning values to digitally photographed belongings.

A member of Seriatim team’s, Carolyn Dow, told me about a case with an elderly family member who was moving to assisted living: “We were hired to organize and sort the belongings. There were standard aspects to the job, including appraising art and other items of value. We also organized his wife’s belongings that would go to her children – not his. It was important to document them and keep them separate. The gentleman did not move into assisted living after all, but we still did our work carefully without disturbing him or his caregivers.”

I realized why Ms. Dow’s story sounded so familiar. I’d learned that professional organizers must recognize that all households are unique, evaluate each family member’s needs with sensitivity, and flexibly adjust their approach if circumstances change. These are the very same skills I apply to estate planning.

Better Late Than Never

But back to the overflowing garage (yikes!). What if your loved one did not organize anything, and as the executor or trustee, it’s now your mess?

Professional organizers can assist executors and trustees too, if the estate or trust can cover their fees. And while paying a professional organizer may seem like a luxury, it may be more economical in the long run. Families sometimes put all of a loved one’s belongings in storage and set the bill to auto pay – then forget about them for years. Some people even keep paying maintenance on apartments for decades to avoid dealing with a loved one’s belongings. Costs saved is money in beneficiaries’ pockets. Professional organizers sometimes even discover a bank statement or insurance policy no one knew about, buried in a pile of documents.

Note that while an estate is undergoing probate, there are restrictions on disposing of or distributing property and taking it out of state. Consult a qualified New York probate attorney for guidance.

Photo organizers can help after a loved one’s passing, too. Mr. Griffith told me about a case where the mother left 12,000 photos to her trust. “She left instructions in her trust to scan all the family photo albums, front and back. She had written on almost every photo the who, what, why, when, and where. After our work, all four adult children had digital copies of all photos, and the originals were safe in archival storage boxes. They’re accessible by the album they came from, and it’s easy to find photos because the file structure of the digital version matches the physical.”

Remember that if you direct a legacy project like this, you should fund your trust sufficiently to cover the cost. See Advanced Estate Planning for more information on trusts.

Feeling inspired? Set your goal for home or photo organizing today, with clearly defined tasks and a realistic timeline. Or call in the pros!

Carolyn Dow conducts Business Development for Seriatim, Inc. For more details on their services, see .

Philip C. Griffith II is the co-owner of PSG Photo Solutions. For more details on their services, see .

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But even if my clients have suffered loss before, I never assume their current loss is any easier, or their grief is any less.

So lately, I’ve been pondering how probate attorneys can best support our clients during their time of grief.

Which professionals can we refer our clients to, if they want help processing their grief?

And what other resources are available to them?

To answer these questions, I met with an experienced and empathetic grief coach,

______________________________________________________________________________

Bracha: How do you define grief, specifically around the loss of a person?

Nesreen: Grief involves both missing the person, and other emotions, such as the feeling that you or they should have done more during their lifetime. There are psychological, spiritual, and even physical aspects to grief.

Bracha: Do we ever really heal from grief?

Nesreen: The intensity of grief can lessen over time. We can learn to adjust, like questioning or ruminating less, and eventually learn to integrate the loss into our lives.

Bracha: Let’s turn to the various professionals who provide care for grief. What is a grief coach, and why did you become one?

Nesreen: A grief coach is often a specially trained coach. After my sister’s passing, I worked with a life coach. It inspired me to choose coaching as my own new vocation. During my training, I met a grief coach, and after working through my grief with her, I knew this would be my own path too.

Bracha: How is grief coaching different from therapy or counseling? I know they have different qualification requirements.

Nesreen: That’s correct. And regarding the processes, timing and goals are two major differences.

Therapy is often advisable if the grief feels too overwhelming and starts to interfere with your daily life. It can help you deal with intense grief that’s interfering with your functioning. Therapy is also helpful if a loss brought up many other issues, like if someone had an unhealthy or complicated relationship with a person who passed away.

Counseling is most often sought in the immediate aftermath of a loss. It can give you tools and resources to process your grief and guidance on how to handle an upsurge of grief during specific times, like an anniversary.

Coaching is more appropriate once people have done some of their grief work already. We focus on goals like:

1. Resolving what feels unfinished with the person who passed.

Often, this means forgiving them and/or forgiving yourself, as well as learning to accept things exactly as they were.

2. Integrating life changes inspired by the loss.

Grief tends to clarify what’s most important in life, and what’s not. Many people find they want to make some major changes: for example, wanting to find a new career or start a family.

Bracha: Can you provide more details about the grief coaching process?

Nesreen: I offer people a choice between the Grief Recovery Method (GRM) and a less structured process.

Most people choose the Grief Recovery Method. GRM is an 8 week program involving reading, writing, and weekly meetings with me. It trains your brain to process grief differently and reduce rumination. These are the components of GRM over the two months:

��

Month 1:

1. How to train the people around you to support you better
2. How you’ve been avoiding your grief and how to start handling it in a healthier way, if needed
3. Your loss history: All of your other grief experiences

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Month 2:

For the second month, you choose a specific loss to work on. Usually it’s the same one you first sought coaching for, but sometimes people choose a different one – for example, an earlier divorce or loss. We work through:

1. Events in the relationship
2. Acts you’re seeking to forgive (yours or the other person’s)
3. Things you never got to discuss

Bracha: Let’s turn to how your work and mine intersects. What guidance can you offer estate representatives?

Nesreen: First, be aware that grief can hit hardest when people are finished dealing with estate logistics. Suddenly there are no more tasks to focus on, and emotions can flood in. Even if it’s already been a few years, an estate representative may be experiencing more intense grief than ever before at the end of a probate case, because there’s nothing left for them to do —except grieve.

Second, I strongly advise people to get support from professionals. That may mean an estate attorney, a financial adviser or accountant, and/or someone to clear out their loved one’s belongings.

Bracha: Or a grief coach. You offer online coaching with a complimentary consultation. .

Is there a roster of certified grief coaches too?

Nesreen: Yes, see and .

Bracha: Finally, which other supports for grief are available?

Nesreen: I recommend the Center for Loss & Life Transition website, which has excellent resources for grievers, their family and friends, and grief care workers.

Breathwork and meditation can be productive when done alone too, such as these exercises:

Bracha: Thank you very much, Nesreen. Your guidance will help me better support my estate clients, and it’s helped me personally too.

Nesreen: You’re very welcome. I’m always happy to educate people about the professionals and resources available to support their unique grief journeys.

Nesreen Ahmed, M.S., P.C.C., is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist who offers Grief, Life, and Executive coaching worldwide. To learn more or book a complimentary consultation, please visit .

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