Losing a loved one is an emotional and life-changing experience. You might be tasked with the responsibility of settling the estate while also grieving your loss. It can be a challenging time in anyone’s life. However, it becomes even more complicated when you must go through probate for out-of-state property.

Many people move to various states throughout their lifetime. Updates to the will, trust, and other documents are necessary when that happens. The changes need to reflect the laws in those particular states and the correct procedures for estate planning. Often though, people do not update their estate plan when they move.

What Is Probate?

The probate process starts when someone passes away and the court needs to review and validate their will. Once a probate judge (called a “Surrogate” in New York) determines the will is valid, it appoints an executor to manage the estate. The appointed executor will pay debts and taxes, transfer assets to beneficiaries, and manage the other aspects of closing out an estate.

Probate laws differ depending on the state where the assets are held. If the deceased person lived in one state, but also had assets in another, you may have multiple probate cases to handle. Out-of-state probate can be confusing to navigate alone. Ensuring you and your loved one’s beneficiaries receive all the assets left behind across state (or country) lines often requires legal guidance.

What is ancillary probate?

When a will for a resident of one state includes assets from another state, ancillary probate is usually required. Ancillary probate is the process used to distribute property in a second state when the main probate proceeding occurs in another.

The probate judge in one state has no legal jurisdiction over assets in another state. That’s why separate probate procedures are needed.

How to Navigate Ancillary Probate

If you have to go through out-of-state probate, you should understand how it works. First the executor must enter the will into probate in the deceased’s state of residence. Once that court validates it, the executor initiates an ancillary probate proceeding for out-of-state property.

The ancillary probate court often requires the executor to submit its own application or petition. The ancillary probate court may require documents from the main probate court such as the order or decree admitting the will to probate, the letters appointing the executor, and an “exemplified copy” of the will (a copy certified as valid by the main probate court). A certified death certificate or bond from the executor may also be necessary.

How can I avoid ancillary probate?

Ancillary probate puts an additional burden on the executor and can delay property distribution. You might avoid it by pointing out these challenges to a loved one who has discussed their estate plan with you, if they have assets in multiple states.

A trust can often avoid ancillary probate, if it’s properly drafted. The trust holds the out of state property, and the property can pass to beneficiaries when the current owner dies without the need for court involvement.

Real property is the most common asset that requires ancillary probate. Often “snowbirds” who live in New York and own condos in Florida can avoid ancillary probate by transferring the Florida condo to a trust.

For property in foreign countries, sometimes the country will recognize trusts like this too. If not, forming an LLC to hold the property might be a way to avoid a foreign probate proceeding.

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Should you become the executor of an estate, please reach out to us. We can guide you through the procedure and advise you on how to handle each step. We are here to help you finalize your family member’s affairs so that you can complete the process in the least stressful way possible.

Call the Law & Mediation Office of Bracha Etengoff today for your consultation at (347) 640-0993. We can meet with you by video or at a location most convenient for you, whether it’s our Manhattan office, or your home or office.

Frequently Asked Questions

What happens if I don’t update my estate plan after moving to a new state?
An outdated estate plan may not comply with your new state’s laws, and if you still own property in your old state, that property could require a separate ancillary probate proceeding there when you pass away. Reviewing your plan after any move helps make sure it works cleanly in your new state and accounts for any out-of-state assets.

Can a living trust avoid ancillary probate entirely?
Often, yes — if the out-of-state property is properly transferred into the trust before death, it can pass directly to beneficiaries without going through a separate probate proceeding in that state. Whether this works depends on how the trust is drafted and whether the property was actually retitled into the trust’s name.

What documents does an ancillary probate court usually require?
Typically the order or decree admitting the will to probate from the main proceeding, the letters appointing the executor, an exemplified copy of the will, and sometimes a certified death certificate or a bond from the executor. Exact requirements vary by state.

Do I need to hire a local attorney in the state where the out-of-state property is located?
In most cases, yes — ancillary probate is a separate court proceeding governed by that state’s laws, so an attorney licensed there is usually necessary to file and handle it. Your primary probate attorney can typically help coordinate with local counsel in the other state.

Does ancillary probate apply to bank accounts, or just real estate?
Ancillary probate most commonly applies to real property, like a house or condo, since real estate is governed by the law of the state where it’s physically located. Other assets, like bank or brokerage accounts, often pass differently depending on how they’re titled or whether they have a named beneficiary.

The post Out-of-State Probate Tips appeared first on Law & Mediation Office of Bracha Etengoff.

Decisions about moving into assisted living facilities are never easy. However, when your elderly parent or grandparent is struggling with Alzheimer’s or another form of dementia, they can be particularly challenging.

Why is moving so disorienting for someone with dementia?

For those with dementia, being in new places and surrounded by unfamiliar objects may lead to a great deal of anxiety. Furthermore, it can be difficult to know what people are asking for and what might help calm them down, if they struggle with expressing themselves verbally. These communication issues can also make it harder for nursing home staff to get to know them.

Yet the challenges of moving with dementia are not just about the struggles of the elder loved one. Adult children often also have a hard time due to the guilt they may have about not being able to manage their parents’ or grandparents’ care at home. But caring for someone with dementia can easily take over your life, and they will often be much safer in an environment that is dedicated to serving their needs.

Who has the legal authority to move a loved one with dementia?

Before the practical side of moving even starts, there’s a legal question worth answering first: does anyone actually have the authority to sign the admission agreement, access medical records, or make the move happen if your loved one can no longer make that decision themselves?

If your loved one signed a health care proxy and power of attorney while they still had capacity, the named agent can typically handle this. Without those documents in place, the family may need to petition the court for guardianship before a facility can even accept the move — a process that takes time your family may not have if the situation has become urgent. This is one of the most common gaps we see: families assume a spouse or adult child can automatically make these decisions, when in fact no one has that legal authority yet.

What if family members disagree about whether it’s time to move?

Not every family agrees on timing. One sibling may feel strongly that mom needs to move now, while another isn’t ready to let go of the idea of her staying home. These disagreements are common, and they don’t have to turn into a legal fight.

As an elder mediator, I often help families work through exactly this kind of disagreement — not by deciding who’s “right,” but by helping everyone get on the same page about what your loved one actually needs, what each family member is able to take on, and what a realistic plan looks like. Mediation can also bring in other professionals, like a geriatric care manager, accountant, or daily money manager, to help the family evaluate options with real information instead of guesswork.

How can a Medicaid trust help make the move more affordable?

Assisted living and memory care are expensive, and many families are surprised by the cost once a move actually becomes necessary. An estate planning attorney can use techniques such as a Medicaid trust to help protect assets while planning for long-term care costs. This kind of planning works best done well in advance, but it’s worth discussing with an attorney even if the move is already underway, since some options may still be available.

How can you make moving day easier for someone with dementia?

Once the legal and financial pieces are in place, there’s still the moving day itself to plan for. A few things tend to help:

Make it familiar. Begin observing the objects and items your loved one uses and touches most often — a blanket they cover up with while watching television, a photo of a spouse, or a favorite sweater. Make sure they have immediate access to some of these items during the move, and place familiar objects in their new home so they can see and feel these things as soon as they arrive.

Choose the right time of day. If you’ve been spending a lot of time with your loved one, you’ve probably noticed their memory is better at some portions of the day than others — often the morning. If possible, try to time the move to coincide with the part of the day when your loved one is at their most lucid.

Play familiar music. Familiar music can help adults with dementia feel clearer and improve their experience of the move. As your loved one transitions to a new home, playing some of their favorite music in the background can help ease their anxiety. You can also ask the care team at their new home to play these familiar tunes when you’re unable to be there.

Work with a geriatric care manager. Geriatric care managers are usually licensed nurses or social workers trained in senior care, acting as private advocates and guides for family members who want to ensure their loved one is in the best hands (see , AARP). They can offer moving advice tailored to your loved one’s specific circumstances, for example after making a home visit and evaluating the new living arrangements.

Contact an Experienced New York Estate Attorney and Elder Mediator

If you are having trouble reaching agreement on care and living arrangements, or whether a move is necessary, an elder mediator can help your family generate and evaluate options. When it comes to making such an important transition, speaking with an experienced estate planning attorney and elder mediator about the move and other aspects of your loved one’s life can help.

Please contact our law firm at (347) 640-0993 if you wish to schedule a consultation. We offer consultations by video, at our office, or in your home.

Frequently Asked Questions

Who can legally sign a nursing home or assisted living admission agreement for someone with dementia?
If your loved one signed a health care proxy or power of attorney while they had capacity, that named agent can generally sign on their behalf. Without either document in place, a court-appointed guardian may be required before someone else can sign for them.

What happens if my family can’t agree on whether it’s time to move a parent with dementia?
Disagreements like this are common, and mediation is often a faster, less expensive way to work through them than letting the disagreement escalate into a legal dispute. A mediator can also help bring in professionals like a geriatric care manager to give the family objective information to base the decision on.

Can Medicaid help pay for assisted living or memory care?
Medicaid can help cover long-term care costs for those who qualify, and a properly structured Medicaid trust, set up well in advance, can help protect assets while planning for eligibility. An estate planning attorney can advise on whether this kind of planning still makes sense if a move is already underway.

What should I bring on moving day to help someone with dementia feel more comfortable?
Familiar, meaningful items — a favorite blanket, a photo, a well-worn sweater — can help ease anxiety during the transition. Having these items immediately accessible, rather than packed away, makes the biggest difference.

Is it too late to plan if my loved one already has dementia?
It depends on their current level of capacity — some legal documents, like a health care proxy or power of attorney, require the person to still understand what they’re signing. If capacity has already been lost, guardianship may be the remaining option, which is why acting as early as possible matters.

The post Why Moving Is So Hard for People with Dementia appeared first on Law & Mediation Office of Bracha Etengoff.

When we think about a loss of independence, being unable to drive or live on our own often comes to mind. We may not even realize our ability to manage finances could be at risk someday. But failing to prepare for diminished financial capacity can leave us vulnerable to exploitation and abuse.

How does diminished financial capacity make seniors vulnerable to scams?

Sometimes when people are in the early stages of cognitive decline, no one realizes the impact it’s having —except scammers. Seniors who are already confused about financial matters are prime targets for fraudulent investment schemes. By the time they or their family realize what is happening, it’s often too late. People can lose most of their retirement funds and their financial security can be destroyed – along with their dreams of using their savings to make life easier for their children and grandchildren.

How can diminished capacity affect a senior who owns rental property?

Financial exploitation often also occurs when a senior owns a two or three family house, lives in one apartment, and rents out the other(s). Tenants sometimes take advantage of a landlord’s dementia or hospital admission to stop paying rent. The landlord may not realize it, or even if s/he does, hiring a lawyer to bring an eviction proceeding may be overwhelming. On the other hand, people with dementia may not be able to fulfill their duties as landlords either. They’re likely to have trouble keeping up with the necessary home repairs, and paying the utilities and property taxes.

This illustrates another common problem: asset management. A multi-family home in New York is often a senior’s most valuable asset, but it requires maintenance. It should also be a major source of income. Certainly, if tenants stop paying rent, the home is no longer a source of income. But even if the tenants are paying, the rent may be stuck at the going rate a decade ago. A landlord with diminished financial capacity may not remember to renew the lease or raise the rent.

What happens legally if a senior loses financial capacity without a plan in place?

The other side of this coin is debt. Bills often pile up, followed by collection notices. Even if people have the assets and income to pay their bills, it doesn’t help if they no longer have the capacity to reliably do so and no one else is authorized to pay them instead.

The legal system may intervene through the appointment of a “guardian of the property” when people lose financial capacity and haven’t prepared adequately. A guardian of the property assumes the responsibility of managing the incapacitated person’s financial and legal affairs, making these decisions on their behalf. But guardianship proceedings are usually time-consuming and costly, and the person appointed may not align with the individual’s preferences.

What steps can I take now to prepare for diminished financial capacity?

Fortunately, we can maintain more control over our financial destinies even during times of diminished capacity through advance planning. Consider which of these proactive steps are right for you:

1. Add a Trusted Contact Person to Brokerage Accounts: If your broker suspects you’re being scammed or can’t reach you, they can contact this person.
2. Organize & Store Financial Documents Securely & Accessibly: Inform trusted loved ones of the location and/or provide them with copies.
3. Share Your Financial & Legal Professionals’ Contact Information: Include your financial adviser, estate planning attorney, and accountant.
4. Update Financial Account Information Regularly: Include new accounts and changes in trusted contacts.
5. Ask your Lawyer about a Durable Power of Attorney: Enable someone you trust to make financial and legal decisions if you cannot.
6. Utilize the Social Security Advance Designation: Name someone you trust to manage your benefits if you become unable to do so.
7. Review your Investment Portfolio: Ensure the risk level and allocations align with your age, financial and medical status, and potential increases in healthcare costs.

What are the legal requirements for taking these planning steps?

Keep in mind two caveats:

• You must have the necessary mental capacity for these steps.
• You should not be unduly influenced to take any of these steps. For example, sometimes unscrupulous people pressure relatives to sign powers of attorney.

For these reasons, if you reach out to a responsible estate planning lawyer on behalf of a family member, we’ll will want to speak with your relative alone. We do that to protect the privileged nature of attorney-client communications, but also to ensure the person really wants to do the planning. Similarly, even if your family has already discussed who should be the agent under power of attorney together, we will discuss this again confidentially with your relative.

To sum up, you owe it to yourself and your loved ones to face the elephant in the family room. Prepare for diminished financial capacity now – and protect yourself later.

The steps to plan for diminished financial capacity are based on recommendations from . For information on types of scams and elder abuse, see .

To report suspected scams and elder abuse in New York to the State Attorney General, call 1-800-771-7755 or file a report at . In emergencies, always call 911.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is diminished financial capacity?
Diminished financial capacity is a reduced ability to manage money, pay bills, or make sound financial decisions, often caused by dementia, cognitive decline, illness, or the effects of aging. It can happen gradually, which is part of why it’s often unnoticed until real damage — like unpaid bills or a scam — has already occurred.

Can someone with diminished financial capacity still sign a power of attorney?
Only if they still have the mental capacity to understand what they’re signing and its consequences. Once capacity has been fully lost, it’s generally too late, and a guardianship proceeding may be the only remaining option.

Who can be added as a Trusted Contact Person on a brokerage account?
Most brokerages allow you to name someone the firm can contact if they suspect fraud or can’t reach you — typically a family member, close friend, or another trusted person. This person doesn’t get access to the account itself; they’re just a point of contact for the broker.

What should I do if I suspect a family member is being financially exploited?
In New York, you can report suspected scams or elder abuse to the State Attorney General at 1-800-771-7755 or through their online complaint form. If the situation is an emergency, call 911 first.

What happens if a guardian of the property is appointed for a family member?
A court-appointed guardian of the property takes over managing that person’s financial and legal affairs, but the process is often time-consuming, costly, and the guardian appointed may not be who the family or the individual would have chosen. This is one of the main reasons advance planning — like a power of attorney — is worth doing before it becomes necessary.

The post The Elephant in the Family Room: Diminished Financial Capacity appeared first on Law & Mediation Office of Bracha Etengoff.

Even more importantly – who �ɴDz�’t you choose to host Thanksgiving?

This is no small decision.

Maybe a central location is best? But since you all had to fly or drive to Seattle last year, it’s really your turn to sit pretty in your Manhattan apartment.

Your apartment has only two bedrooms though, and one’s your work from home office with just a pull-out couch. Your neighbors tactfully decline to host your brother from Michigan and his two sets of twins under 5, let alone the rest of your family. And hotel prices will be astronomical.

So your sister in Long Island offers to host instead. Still convenient by LIRR for you, and it’ll be easy to pick up family from JFK Airport.

But your sister – God bless her – can’t cook to save her life. She thinks she can, which only makes it worse. Her turkey’s always tasteless and dry. Even her sweet potatoes are dry – and how is that even possible? No one will agree to pretend to eat her Thanksgiving dinner ever again.

You consider the remaining candidates. Your brother’s in a starter house which is bursting at the seams already – and he hasn’t fixed the leaky roof yet. So that’s a no.

Your mom’s still in the family home in Holyoke, Massachusetts, even though it’s just her now. She’s just beginning to consider the senior community you toured with her. But for now, she’s got four bedrooms, a finished basement with an extra fridge, and a wrap-around porch where you all can sit out while the kids run around the lawn.

There’s lots to do for everyone in the area too. Theater, a great children’s museum, and some easy hiking… It was a great place to grow up, and you’re pretty sure you could all enjoy a weekend there again.

Your logistical analysis, however, is not complete. You finally persuaded your mom to hire great cleaning help last year, so she �ɴDz�’t have to get the house ready. But you can’t burden her to cook a holiday weekend’s meals for the whole family.

Whenever you suggest slowing down, though, your mom snaps “Stop treating me like a child!” And no one in this lifetime or the next will ever convince Mom to get takeout.

In contrast, most of the restaurants within a 20-block radius of your apartment know you by name. But when Dad passed, it really hit home that your time with his generation is limited and precious. And you have some use-it-or-lose-it vacation days left.

So you volunteer to come on Sunday to be Mom’s sous chef. You tell her you’ll cook some food with her that freezes well, ahead of the rest of the family’s arrival. You ��Dz�’t tell her you’ll also hide some takeout in the basement fridge.

But you’re not done yet. You also research the best restaurants within an hour radius (your specialty!), and share the menus with your siblings. Because of your sister’s recent promotion, you ask her to pick up the tab for everyone for a few meals. And you’re pleased to discover she’s actually really happy to find a way to contribute.

Labor Day has come and gone now (how did that happen?). But there’s still plenty of time for everyone to book plane tickets, arrange time off, and otherwise coordinate their return to your ancestral home.

You send up a silent prayer that your siblings will follow through promptly, so you can get back to your life – unlike last year…and the year before….Somehow, you always get stuck with the Thanksgiving logistics and inevitable trouble shooting.

By now, you’ve accepted your fate – but this year, someone better say they’re thankful to you!

Now, what can we learn from this story about designating an executor?

TOP 6 FACTORS FOR CHOOSING AN EXECUTOR:

1. The List Maker

• The same way you choose a Thanksgiving host who can cook, you choose an executor who is practical and organized. For example:
  • Who makes lists – and actually checks off items, and follows up when people ��Dz�’t call back?
  • Who can not only open a bank account, but also keep track of expenditures and reimbursements?

2. Location Matters

• Every state has different rules about who can serve as executor. One common criterion is location. Keep in mind that even if your state allows an out of state or international executor, it may not be ideal because:
  • A court interview may be required.
  • Attendance at a closing may be required.
  • Financial institutions may require documents to be notarized in the U.S.

3. Who Gets Along?

• Siblings who rarely speak may have seen each other for the first time in years at a parent’s funeral. And money can bring out the worst in people.
• Ask yourself who is most likely to get along with everyone else, and keep the peace.
• Consider a neutral executor, like an attorney or accountant, if family dynamics are very contentious.

4. Technological Proficiency

• Your lawyer and their staff will likely have a great deal of back and forth with your executor before the job is done, and email is usually the most efficient means of communications. Important documents may need to be scanned.
• No need for a Steve Jobs – but choose someone who will check their email frequently and is computer proficient.

5. Who’s Got the Time?

• Maybe you’re thinking, “Great, I’ll name my daughter. She’s a lawyer, that’ll help.” But if your daughter’s already working 60 hours/week, maybe she can’t quickly review documents, call banks, and respond to the estate attorney and accountant.
• Estate administration is usually a marathon, not a sprint.
• And being an executor is a part time job. Ask yourself – who has time for it?

6. Your Mission – If You Choose to Accept It

• Finally, you ��Dz�’t just show up on the doorstep for Thanksgiving and yell, “Surprise!”
• Remember to ask your candidates for executor – and all other personal representatives in your estate plan – if they’re willing to take on the job.

Beyond wishing you good luck, I hope you’ll put yourself in good hands. A careful estate planning attorney should work with you to help you think through these factors to choose the best executor for your and your family’s needs.

The post How To Choose Your Thanksgiving Host – and Executor appeared first on Law & Mediation Office of Bracha Etengoff.

Cocktail napkins, scraps of paper, and yellow legal pads – that’s how Executorium began.

But the first spark was lit when estate executor George Compton searched for resources to understand the job – and found nothing. Meanwhile, those scraps of paper and “e-mails to self” accumulated.

“An executor ought to know…Wish I’d known that…Where was this when I was executor?”

Communicating, educating, and disseminating information were already my professional skills, since I was then the Executive Director of an association of construction professionals. My personal experience as an executor and professional background converged, and Executorium began to take form.

I knew it had to be executor-facing, and it had to be simple. Most of all, it had to provide a view of the landscape, so executors could get their heads around the job at hand.

“I felt like the new guy.  It was a lot of responsibility. Lots of unfamiliar, disparate tasks in a new environment. It was an emotional time, and it can take hundreds of hours.”

“Executors walk away from the graveside with a briefcase and a life to unravel. Poof! You’re the executor. Good luck!”

Hence, Executorium.com!

Executorium’s Mission

The mission of Executorium is to be a Resource for Executors and Estates. How?

• Stand in an executor’s shoes
• Assume no prior estate knowledge
• Provide visibility of resources: local, state, and national – both private and government
• Flatten the learning curve
• Provide context and experience.

seeks to clarify many of the real-time experiences an executor may face. It shines a light on the work within an estate, the responsibilities of an executor, and the challenges of estate administration and settlement.

An Open Resource for Executors and Estates

We’re a resource for Executors and Administrators, as well as “Personal Representatives.”

Executorium.com is open access.  No login, no paywall, no registration!

Our website includes:

• Articles addressing common estate issues and learning opportunities.
• References to vital estate information.
• Directories of local estate service providers and government pages (federal, state, and county), laying out essential government probate and estate resources.

We strive to make the executor’s duties more familiar, because awareness and information visibility is key to a successful estate administration.

Poof! You’re an Executor…

Now what?  Well, every estate is different.  Every family is different.  And every state is different.

“Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.”

• Abraham Lincoln

But we know executors are busy enough jumping from task to task to spend much time learning the job. So, we relay fundamentals, practical information, and context quickly and efficiently.  It is designed so a browse through the site provides exposure to estate administration’s many new experiences.

Executorium.com is organized into four sections:

• – Articles across the scope of estate administration, from guest authors and the publishers of Executorium.
• – Resources and references across the estate administration environment.
• – Professionals that service the needs of executors and estates, organized by profession, state, and county.
• – Selected federal, state, and local resources to guide and assist executors.

Executorium even features advertisers with purpose: those whose products and services attend to the needs of an estate. Our ads put resources on executors’ radars – and pay the bills. Two birds; one stone!

Finally, our social media channels curate and share executor-facing content.

Facebook:

LinkedIn:

YouTube:

Instagram:

X:

Provide a View of the Landscape

One of my hardest executor’s lessons was that after it was over, I realized, “Huh. If I ever had to do that again, I’d be a lot better at it.” I had made mistakes. I had missed stuff. Now I had all this experience, but that was it – never again. But I wasn’t the new guy anymore.

Because of this realization, we endeavor to help executors see what’s out there. It does not matter if it’s on Executorium or elsewhere – as long as the executor has it on their radar.

For example, there are some very good ‘Guidelines for Executors’ out there. Don’t miss them.

Read them. Sharpen that axe!

• ���dz�’s
• The American Bar Association – 
• EstateExec:

These guides are symbolic of Executorium’s mission: showing executors where the help is – wherever it is, on-site or off – and sharing it openly to help estates move forward!

Executors Execute

An executor’s tasks involve the estate, probate, family, and legacy. Executorium endeavors to educate across many estate-related topics, and offer routes to solutions. We’re especially focused on shining light on those resources which may be unknown to executors, and which solve practical estate challenges or make the job easier. Some examples are:

• “What do I do with all these photos?”

: The Photo Managers

• “We have a lot of used medical equipment.  Can I donate?”

• “My dad owned many guns. I ��Dz�’t know a thing about guns.”

• “The thought of cleaning out everything is blowing my mind!”

• “What should I do with all the old books?”

• “I’m struggling with my grief.  This is harder than I thought.”

Please note the Learning Section, Articles, and Directories are constantly updated and revised. New content is added frequently.  Executorium is a constantly growing resource.

Conclusion

Executor of the Estate, Administrator, Personal Representative…while these terms sound fancy, they usually mean an individual that just lost a parent or other loved one – and the one who will clean out their dresser. They’ll spend hours and hours going through drawers, boxes, and memories. They’ll be working through paperwork, forms and records. And that’s just some parts of the job. There’s nothing fancy about estate administration and probate!

Executorium.com is a hub. At its center is the executor, endeavoring to navigate estate administration and probate. We just figured that job does not need to be harder – it needs to be easier. If Executorium can arrange resources and information around the hub that helps the executor move the estate forward, with less pain and frustration – we have accomplished our mission.

George Compton is the Publisher of Executorium.com.  He is on a mission to improve communication and visibility in the estate administration environment for executors and personal representatives.

The post It Took an Executor to Build Executorium.com appeared first on Law & Mediation Office of Bracha Etengoff.

Doing what? Well, first you should know Mollie was right. Estate representative appointments and estate administration often take years in New York. Many of the downstate which handle this are still moving a lot slower than before COVID19. And even if the heirs are in agreement on the distribution of belongings – i.e., “tangible personal property” – probate laws restrict when they can be distributed or discarded. And appraisers, estate sale organizers, and clean out services may be needed.

I’ve heard of someone still renting a storage unit 8 years after his parent’s passing. And someone who paid high maintenance for over a decade on an unoccupied but still-furnished Manhattan apartment. Because it’s emotional and time consuming, some people put this task off for years.

So I often advise clients to sort through their belongings during their lifetimes. But the method of dostadning (Swedish for death cleaning) was new to me. I asked Mollie if I could interview her, and she generously agreed.

Bracha: What prompted you to start the dostadning process?

Mollie: One morning, I couldn’t find something in my clothes closet. It dawned on me that I hadn’t worn some of the clothes hanging there for many years. It actually took me back twenty years to when I cleared out my parents’ home. All I wanted was time to grieve – but there I was, going through piles of possessions for weeks on end. As soon as those memories hit, I told myself, “Mollie, you are not going to do that to your children!”

Bracha: So, it started with a closet?

Mollie: Yep, I went after those clothes with a vengeance. If I hadn’t worn a piece in five years, into the box it went. If I knew something wouldn’t ever fit me again, out it came. And when everything was packed up for donation, I swear I felt lighter! Plus, knowing those clothes would be worn by people who really needed them made me happy. I was so thrilled, I headed to my storage area, but right away, I knew I needed help. I was in way over my head!

Bracha: Where did you go for help?

Mollie: I went straight to the computer to look up decluttering. After a lot of false leads, I came across a book by Margareta Magnusson that people were raving about. I have to admit, the title put me off at first. I’d just turned 70, and I was having a hard time confronting my mortality, so a book called wasn’t that appealing. But people seemed to really like it, so I took a deep breath and ordered it.

Bracha: Did you find it helpful?

Mollie: Absolutely! I found out that “stadning” in Swedish means cleaning, and “do” means death, and decided I’d just concentrate on the stadning part of the word. But the truth is, I started to feel better about my mortality, too, because I knew what I was doing would help my children.

Removing unnecessary things from my home wouldn’t just save them time when I passed- it would spare them emotional pain too. For me, dostadning was about continuing to help my children, even after I’m no longer here.

Bracha: I imagine some people could find what you did difficult.

Mollie: Well, going through possessions you’ve accumulated over decades can be daunting, but I took it step by step. Setting small goals helped. And once I started it became easier to continue, because it was actually a positive experience.

Bracha: What made it a positive experience?

Mollie: Suddenly, there was space all around me – and I knew where things were for a change! Plus, some things required a lot of maintenance, so letting go of some of those created more time in my life. And my “background” stress level really dropped.

But it wasn’t all about getting rid of the clutter. When I came across something that meant a lot to me, I knew I wanted to share it with my kids. So dostadning also gave me the opportunity to cherish my memories.

Bracha: Do you have any advice for people considering this method?

Mollie: First, I’d say to take it slow. Pace yourself. And ��Dz�’t start with emotionally difficult things, like photographs, which can be hard to go through. Definitely leave the sentimental stuff for later, once you’re in the groove.

And you will get into the groove! The process is very self-reinforcing. Once I started separating what really mattered to me from what was just taking up space, I naturally wanted to continue. And knowing that what you’re doing is a gift to your heirs is very empowering.

Bracha: Thank you for sharing your experience, Mollie. Despite the off-putting name, this process seems really life affirming. Now, my own overstuffed closet awaits!

*For more tips on the dostadning process, see .

*Some facts have been altered to protect the client’s privacy.

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“Did she sign a health care proxy?”, the doctors ask.

A health care agent could work with Sarah’s medical team to develop a safe discharge plan, and take responsibility for her transition. Aides could be hired again, a ramp and bathroom bars installed, a hospital bed purchased.

Except there are other problems at home, too. Sarah owns a three-family house, and she’s proud of paying off the mortgage. But one apartment’s been vacant for years, the sole tenant stopped paying, and the property taxes are overdue. Collection notices are scattered around the home, along with credit cards Sarah didn’t remember opening. She probably has a pension, social security, and bank accounts, but no one in the family knows for sure. Mark decides to hire a lawyer.

“Did she sign a power of attorney?”, the lawyer asks.

The agent under power of attorney could search for her assets. Find out where her retirement payments are deposited, and use them to pay delinquent bills and the expenses of returning home. This kind of agent could even hire a lawyer to evict the tenant.

But there’s no health care proxy or power of attorney. The lawyer explains that it’s too late for Sarah to sign these documents now, since she lacks the mental capacity required. Instead, a guardianship proceeding may be needed. However, a guardian is not automatically appointed because someone has dementia, or refuses to take their medication, or buys things they can’t afford.

Instead, the standard for appointing a guardian is two part: 1. The person is unable to provide for personal needs and/or property management, and 2. The person cannot adequately understand and appreciate the nature and consequences of such inability. See .

Mark decides to file a petition for guardianship of Sarah, aka the allegedly incapacitated person (AIP). He and his lawyer work for many hours to explain to the court:

• WHO the AIP is: birthplace, age, residence, profession, family members
• WHY she needs a guardian: personal care and property management limitations
• WHAT her financial position is: assets and debts
• HOW the Petitioner is suitable for the position: relationship to AIP, age, residence, profession, no bankruptcy filings or felony convictions

Next, the court issues an order. It sets a hearing date and appoints a lawyer to represent Sarah. The order also names a court evaluator, who interviews all the family members and issues a report. He recommends that a “guardian of the person” be appointed for Sarah’s personal needs, and a “guardian of the property” be appointed for her financial and legal matters. Because Mark lives far away, he recommends the court appoint a local professional guardian instead.

The hearing date arrives. Mark has to fly in and also arrange an ambulette to bring Sarah to court. Despite everyone’s best efforts to respect her dignity, Sarah is understandably upset by people describing her difficulties. Mark is subjected to cross examination. The court evaluator and other family members testify too.

The hearing lasts all day.

It ends with the judge reading her ruling, appointing a professional guardian and Mark as co-guardian. The system worked, but it was an emotional and exhausting ordeal. And the professional guardian, Sarah’s lawyer, Mark’s lawyer, the court evaluator, and the ambulette company all must be paid – out of Sarah’s funds.

Unfortunately, some version of this story plays out daily, in courts across the state. If we’re incapacitated but haven’t given anyone the legal authority to assist us, the court may choose for us. Sometimes the guardian is a family member – but not the one you’d have chosen. Other times it’s a professional who accepts court appointments: competent and compassionate if you’re lucky, but still a stranger. Best case scenario, the guardian is a responsible person you would’ve named as agent if you’d done that healthcare proxy and power of attorney. But their appointment as guardian is a far more expensive, lengthy, and intrusive process.

It’s frightening to think about becoming dependent. But taking control over what happens if we become dependent is integral to the independence we so cherish.

For information on support and resources for guardians and caregivers, see �����Ի���

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When I saw my doctor for a recent routine physical and she asked if I had a Healthcare Proxy, boy, was that ever a wake-up call! I consider myself a “young 70,” and have been fortunate to be in good health, so I hadn’t given much thought to planning for a time when that might not be the case. My doctor’s question reminded me that I needed to face facts, do the responsible thing, and contact a lawyer.

I wasn’t looking forward to discussing a time when I could be too ill to speak up for myself, but once Bracha explained how we would work together, I felt more at ease. She helped me understand what a Healthcare Proxy is all about, and how I can make sure my wishes about medical treatment will be respected. I understood the need to set up guidelines before a medical crisis happens, but the whole thing was new to me, and I had a lot of questions. Bracha answered them all, and I felt confident setting up a Healthcare Proxy that would work for me.

We also talked about my will. I’d set it up years before when my children were young and needed a guardian. But since then, my assets had grown, and my children had become adults. I knew I needed to update my will. But we also had to review my other assets with beneficiary designations which would pass outside the will. And for my assets to really be distributed as I want them to, I may have to update the designations too.

Bracha also explained how a Power of Attorney (POA) appoints an agent to make legal and financial decisions, and how it can avoid the need to go to court to have a guardian appointed if a person becomes incapacitated. But I wasn’t ready to set up a POA, and wanted to give it more thought. We discussed the rule of thumb that it’s best to review an estate plan at least every 5 years, and I can revisit whether to have a POA at that time if I haven’t decided before.

I learned that an estate plan is more than a will. My Healthcare Proxy, beneficiary designations, and a future POA are all part of my estate plan – and they all have to work together.

When it came to choosing who would carry out my wishes in the future, I didn’t want to burden any one child with all the responsibilities. When Bracha explained what the Executor of my will would do, I quickly realized that my son, who’s an accountant and used to managing financial details, would be the best person to handle the job. And since my daughter’s comfortable in medical settings and lives close enough to be able to get to the hospital quickly, it made sense to make her my Healthcare Proxy.

I was comfortable with my decisions, but I worried about discussing them with my children. What should I say? How would they react? Bracha understood my concerns. She gave me some very useful ideas for speaking with them, as well as materials from to help guide the discussions.

I’ve always tried to be a responsible parent. Completing my estate plan has been a way of continuing to do just that. If my children know my wishes for medical treatment, it can save them a lot of heartache in the future. And if my will is as inclusive and clear as it needs to be, it can save them money, time, and stress down the line. So I know that the day I receive my documents, a weight will be lifted from my shoulders.

*Some facts have been altered to protect the client’s privacy.

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Families encounter many professionals after a loved one’s passing. Religious leaders, funeral home directors, and probate lawyers often form a new cast of characters, while the familiar medical team steps back.

Who can help you find this new team of professionals and coordinate with them?

What if you want help that complements these professionals? For example:

• Discussing nontraditional alternatives to burial
• Designing a legacy project that reflects your loved one’s values
• Closing social media accounts
• Preparing a home for sale
• Obtaining death certificates or insurance proceeds

An End of Life Doula (aka Death Doula) can support you in these tasks – and many more.

End of life doulas may be employed by healthcare facilities or retained privately.

To learn more, I interviewed an end of life doula who completed her training through and holds a proficiency badge from the

_____________________________________________________

Bracha: What is an End of Life Doula?

Marni: Just as a birth doula helps usher in life and educates parents to be, an end of life doula supports people at the other end. End of life doulas are non-medical professionals who help you navigate death, dying, grief and loss. We can assist with the emotional, spiritual, practical, and logistical components.

Bracha: Why did you become an end of life doula?

Marni: My family went through a series of health situations that brought death close. I was unprepared, and I realized how lonely it felt to be handling logistics and making decisions quickly in real time.

When dealing with logistics, you can’t be fully present with the dying or sick, or fully experience your feelings. Alternatively, when you’re fully present or in deep grief, focusing on logistics is difficult. I wanted to provide the support I wish I’d had for myself, for both sides of this experience.

Bracha: Why do people hire end of life doulas?

Marni: Common reasons include:

1. Creating legacy projects with elders to capture histories and life lessons.
2. Assisting with memorial planning or running errands for the family.
3. Facilitating pre-planning, like advance healthcare directives and end of life wishes.
4. Educating the public around death, dying and grief – and how to be a good listener.
5. Supporting people emotionally at the end of life by sitting vigil, creating warm and loving spaces for the dying, and helping people grapple with fears.

Bracha: Can you give us examples of legacy projects?

Marni: We create heirloom quilts from fabrics important to each person. My sister Willa Blank (an incredible quilter) designs them.

I also created a living legacy project with my 100 year old grandmother recently. I interviewed her for over a month by audio to capture her stories, family history, and life lessons. I learned things I’d never known, and I appreciated her and what she’s overcome in a new way. And future generations can learn about her life in her own voice.

Bracha: Do you ever work with families during times of illness?

Marni: Yes. Families often seek out someone who isn’t afraid to talk about what death will look like, and who will help them feel prepared for the logistics around illness and death.

It’s never easy when a family has been given devastating news. My goal is to be a comfort and resource to ease the experience, even if just by a little.

Bracha: How about people who do not anticipate encountering illness or mortality issues soon?

Marni: Absolutely. Many of my clients are mid 30’s-mid 50’s. Many life events happen during this period which trigger encountering one’s own mortality, such as:

1. Having a baby
2. Moving to a new state
3. Getting married or divorced
4. Receiving a health diagnosis
5. Acquiring more assets
6. Preparing initial Estate Planning Documents
7. Joining the Sandwich Generation (caregivers of both children and parents)

I also provide these clients with support around their elders’ aging, like ensuring parents have appropriate estate planning documents, organizing/downsizing homes, and insurance or caregiving.

Bracha: What guidance can you offer people engaged in estate planning, and their future estate representatives?

Marni: I’d advise estate planning clients to consider how they want to be remembered, and discuss it with their loved ones. Legacy work can encompass more than financial and tangible assets.

If you’re asked to serve as an executor, you can suggest that the person also:

• Write legacy letters
• Share recipes
• Create autobiographical audio or video recordings

Bracha: You offer end of life and legacy planning services, education around death/dying/grief, complimentary consults, and virtual and in-person (NYC/Brooklyn) sessions.

Is there a reliable roster of end of life doulas too?

Marni: Yes, both Going with Grace and NEDA maintain directories on their websites.

Bracha: Which other supports for the bereaved are available?

Marni: I recommend as a stress reliever and sleep aid, Anderson Cooper’s podcast , any book by , or trying a or event for grievers.

Listening to other people on their grief journeys and recognizing the commonalities in the human experience helps too. Grief is love. Many communities have in-person bereavement support groups. Virtual groups further enable people to find one tailored to their type of loss.

Bracha: Thank you, Marni. Your guidance will help me better support my clients.

Marni: You’re so welcome! Grief and loss are such a huge part of our lives, but speaking about them often feels taboo. What we ��Dz�’t understand can cause fear. I hope that by bringing this topic out of the shadows, our culture will embrace a healthier perspective.

Marni Blank, Esq., is an end of life doula, trained mediator, and a female founded small business owner. She offers holistic end-of-life planning and legacy services. To learn more, visit or schedule a free consultation .

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There’s no single right answer — it depends on your finances, your family’s situation, and how you feel about the space, but if living there is a realistic option, you can make it feel like your own home again through renovation, redecorating, and intentionally acknowledging the person you inherited it from.

“I inherited my childhood home.”

There’s a whirlwind of intense, complex emotions within those five words.

For some people, their childhood home evokes mostly happy memories, but now also grief and loss. For others, those earlier happy memories are eclipsed by later images of illness. And for people who had complicated or difficult relationships with their parents, a childhood home may be the last place they’d ever want to return.

These emotions can affect the choice of whether to live in an inherited home, or sell or lease it instead. There are many other factors to consider too, and often living in an inherited home is not even a viable option. Adult children and their families may be happily established across the country, or the house may be ancient and in disrepair, or the sibling interested in the house may not be able to afford the mortgage required to buy the other(s) out.

But let’s assume living in the childhood home is a viable option. What changes should people consider making so the home serves their needs? How do you make room for new memories? In other words, how can you ensure a childhood home grows up?

To answer this question, I spoke with someone whose viewpoint is sometimes overlooked in the world of inheritance professionals. Interior designer , of InsideWright LLC, has helped clients put their personal stamp on inherited homes, and also completely redesigned her own inherited apartment.

How can you make an inherited home feel like your own?

Bracha: Would you share your personal story with us?

Tobi: Sure. My parents moved us from Ohio to New York in 1978. Back then, there was no such thing as renovating apartments for new tenants. Our “new” home was really depressing: horizontal blinds falling off the windows, bare bulbs in ceiling sockets, and a tattered linoleum kitchen floor. It was so different from our home in Ohio that we actually cried on first sight.

But my dad was an artist and over time, he made the apartment beautiful – always in his own unique way. For example, he painted the whole apartment in a rainbow of gray when color was all the rage.

Skipping to 2006, my father had passed and my mother was ready to retire and move. So in my mid to late thirties, I lived with my mom for two years in order to legally have the lease transferred to me. Living with your parents is not always an easy road at that age, but for Manhattan apartments, sacrifices must be made!

My mother had added color to the walls over the years, but eventually I repainted everything, mostly following feng shui recommendations. I also built custom DIY furniture to fit my rooms. And after missing my ex’s back yard, my living room became one – complete with faux grass!

Bracha: Wow, what an amazing transformation into a home that perfectly fits you. But I imagine some people would find that difficult.

Tobi: Yes, I have a neighbor whose son died young, and she left his room intact for many years.

Bracha: I understand that – moving his belongings is a physical expression of letting go. This reminds of a friend who is dating a widower still living in his marital home. She wanted to respect his memories of his wife, but also her own needs. So my friend told him that once he was ready to move his wife’s belongings out of the nightstand, she would begin staying over. And that’s exactly what they did.

What challenges do people face when living in an inherited home?

Bracha: What other challenges can inherited homes pose, in your experience?

Tobi: Inherited homes may have a foundation of stagnancy. For example, I did a styling consultation for a young couple in Manhattan. The wife shared that the apartment was the husband’s childhood home, and despite being a really successful lawyer, living there and raising his kids there actually left him feeling a lack of accomplishment.

To break free of that stagnancy, some people completely replace the furniture. I did a space planning consultation for someone with gorgeous mid-century furniture (which is back in vogue). It was in excellent condition, but it held too many memories of her childhood. I advised her to reach out to a neighborhood antiques dealer.

How do you redecorate a home while honoring someone who passed away?

Bracha: How do you navigate working with clients who lost someone you also knew?

Tobi: I make sure we pause and acknowledge the person’s absence first when we meet. This happened recently with a neighbor whose husband had died. When I arrived, she was ready to launch into the changes she was planning. I acknowledged his absence first though, and we talked about his final days and how she’s been coping. Then we got into the design.

He was a photographer and they’d had a really wonderful relationship. She wanted to memorialize him by keeping his photos on the walls, but also make the apartment more her own.

Bracha: That sounds like a balance to aspire to. Thank you, Tobi – your guidance will help me better support my clients.

Tobi: You’re very welcome.

Can you renovate or dispose of property in an inherited home before probate is complete?

Please note that while an estate is undergoing probate, there are restrictions on disposing of or distributing property. Consult a qualified New York probate attorney for guidance before making major changes to a home that’s still part of an open estate.

Tobi Wright, founder of InsideWright LLC, has a background in advertising, branding, and bodywork. InsideWright approaches interiors with an eye to identity and wellbeing. In both residential and commercial projects, InsideWright creates environments that promote productivity, harmony and pride. Tobi’s comfort with color results in curated environments that are simultaneously striking yet serene, and she’s always happy to include an element of playfulness. To learn more, please visit .

Is it better to live in an inherited house or sell it?
There’s no universal answer — it depends on your finances, whether other heirs are involved, the home’s condition, and how you feel emotionally about the space. Many families find it helpful to weigh the practical costs of keeping the home against what selling would free up financially.

Can I renovate an inherited home while it’s still in probate?
Generally, no — there are restrictions on disposing of or significantly altering estate property while probate is still open. Check with the estate’s attorney before making major changes.

What if I can’t afford the mortgage on an inherited house?
If you want to keep the home but can’t cover the existing mortgage alone, options may include refinancing, buying out other heirs’ shares, or renting out part of the property, though what’s realistic depends on the loan terms and the estate’s overall finances.

What happens if siblings disagree about whether to keep an inherited home?
When heirs can’t agree, the options are typically to buy out the sibling who wants to sell, sell the home and split the proceeds, or, if no agreement can be reached, ask a court to order a sale. Mediation can often resolve this more amicably and affordably than litigation.

Do I have to pay taxes on an inherited house if I live in it?
Inheriting a home itself generally isn’t a taxable event, but property taxes continue as usual, and if you later sell the home, capital gains tax may apply based on its value at the time you inherited it. A tax professional can help you understand your specific situation.

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